Okay.
It's been nigh-six months. Where have I been? Uninterested-In-Blog-Town, that's where. My energies and lack thereof have been elsewhere. I didn't do any Oscar shit like I was going to, or list my favorite movies of the year. But I did beat Kelly in our Oscar pool, so that's something. (My favorite movie last year was True Grit.)
I love Chicago. It's finally summer here, and we earn it every year. Sitting in a garden I didn't help bring to fruition, reading in the sun, listening to my tiny ipod. Going for a walk, or a pointless ride on the el for the a/c. Outdoor markets abound. Pride days. Parades. Pretty girls with faraway eyes and ridiculous hemlines. Hoo boy. Simple stuff. I love it.
I'm determined to keep doing stand-up, more and more of it. I think I've finally figured out a decent point of view, and a way to write in that vein consistently. We'll see as I keep testing the waters.
I've also been spending my time tricking over a hundred people into thinking that I'm Kris Kross, the erstwhile hippity-hop group from 1992. Yes, that I am both of them. That new tour is just around the corner.
Recently I started a podcast which you can find at http://jaybeeanddan.libsyn.com or search "Jay Bee" in iTunes. I also have co-written and am prepping a new sketch show for September. Why not "Like" my sketch group on Facebook? It's one click, come on. Maybe two clicks. Either way, I'm not asking you to help me move or anything. Just do it. It feels good. http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/The-Xanadudes/175129822542126 SUPPORT ME.
6.20.2011
1.28.2011
Hey!
Dudes, what with Jersey Shore coming back on, dealing with becoming a Pisces overnight, and sniffing a ton of glue I haven't been able to write any blogg stuff lately (extra g mine). But I am working on something for this bloog (extra o yours), so all seven of you might enjoy checking back soon. Working on a list of my favorite movies of last year. I'm going to try to see a couple more before finishing up so maybe I'll wait America comes down with OSCAR FEVERR (extra r a sign of serious illness)!
Yeah, Subes inspired me to do a end of year list. His was timely-ish and well stated. Mine won't be. See you soon!
Yeah, Subes inspired me to do a end of year list. His was timely-ish and well stated. Mine won't be. See you soon!
10.22.2010
let the right one in
Hello there, folks!
I guess it has been over three months since I did this last. I don't really know why. Stopped thinking about it, I guess. I've been busy, too. I probably wouldn't have either had PacoShack not prodded me ever-so-gently with his genitals. That'll make a man blog, let me tell you.
I am currently in rehearsal for a sketch show I co-wrote. We're The Xanadudes, and please come see us at Gorilla Tango Theater in Chicago Nov. 6, 13, or 20 or all three. Better see all three to catch all the nuance. Our show is fucking hemorrhaging nuance like a bastard. Truly inscrutable. It's like Inception directed by Lars Von Trier starring Crispin Glover.
Anyway, hope it goes well. I'm nervous. I'm in the show a bunch, I have to carry a couple scenes, and I have to sing. If I know me, my pants will fall down at some point. I guess it will add extra comedy, so that works.
I also have a boring corporate job. Looking for something new, kinda.
I live with Madam O now, and a she is a great addition to our apartment and Chicago in general. She may cut a bitch at her job one of these days, and I'll have to bail her out and later help her escape prison, but I will do so without batting an eye. Actually, it sounds like fun. I wish there was someone to have all the fun of committing crime without hurting anyone or suffering consequences. How awesome would it be to be part of a jewel heist? How about shooting a gun at a fast-moving car FROM a fast-moving car? Or perhaps you'd like to cling tenaciously to the landing skids of a helicopter, escaping from police? Or make something blow up real good, distracting the man from your real caper? I digress.
I have also been watching The Wire, which is maybe why I've got crime on the brain. I mean, even in prison Avon eats KFC and plays video games. Three things i've learned from that show so far:
1. McNulty doesn't play by the rules.
2. But dammit, he gets results.
3. The cheese stands alone.
The fuck else have I been doing? I was accepted into the Advanced Writing program at Second City. In like three or four months my class will have produced a show that will be given a four week run at S.C., up on one of their smaller, non-mainstages. Exciting! My current teacher liked my class so much she requested to stay on with us and help us with the show. Flattering!
One of the other students in my writing class and I were talking about how much weight completing the program at SC will actually have. She seems to think she will be able to write her own ticket when it's over. I pretty much think the opposite, I think it will help minimally in terms of getting a job. I hope she's right or that we can at least split the difference. In the meantime, I will continue to produce my own content, put on shows, try to make folks smile and hope that someone wants to pay me to do these things one day.
I guess it has been over three months since I did this last. I don't really know why. Stopped thinking about it, I guess. I've been busy, too. I probably wouldn't have either had PacoShack not prodded me ever-so-gently with his genitals. That'll make a man blog, let me tell you.
I am currently in rehearsal for a sketch show I co-wrote. We're The Xanadudes, and please come see us at Gorilla Tango Theater in Chicago Nov. 6, 13, or 20 or all three. Better see all three to catch all the nuance. Our show is fucking hemorrhaging nuance like a bastard. Truly inscrutable. It's like Inception directed by Lars Von Trier starring Crispin Glover.
Anyway, hope it goes well. I'm nervous. I'm in the show a bunch, I have to carry a couple scenes, and I have to sing. If I know me, my pants will fall down at some point. I guess it will add extra comedy, so that works.
I also have a boring corporate job. Looking for something new, kinda.
I live with Madam O now, and a she is a great addition to our apartment and Chicago in general. She may cut a bitch at her job one of these days, and I'll have to bail her out and later help her escape prison, but I will do so without batting an eye. Actually, it sounds like fun. I wish there was someone to have all the fun of committing crime without hurting anyone or suffering consequences. How awesome would it be to be part of a jewel heist? How about shooting a gun at a fast-moving car FROM a fast-moving car? Or perhaps you'd like to cling tenaciously to the landing skids of a helicopter, escaping from police? Or make something blow up real good, distracting the man from your real caper? I digress.
I have also been watching The Wire, which is maybe why I've got crime on the brain. I mean, even in prison Avon eats KFC and plays video games. Three things i've learned from that show so far:
1. McNulty doesn't play by the rules.
2. But dammit, he gets results.
3. The cheese stands alone.
The fuck else have I been doing? I was accepted into the Advanced Writing program at Second City. In like three or four months my class will have produced a show that will be given a four week run at S.C., up on one of their smaller, non-mainstages. Exciting! My current teacher liked my class so much she requested to stay on with us and help us with the show. Flattering!
One of the other students in my writing class and I were talking about how much weight completing the program at SC will actually have. She seems to think she will be able to write her own ticket when it's over. I pretty much think the opposite, I think it will help minimally in terms of getting a job. I hope she's right or that we can at least split the difference. In the meantime, I will continue to produce my own content, put on shows, try to make folks smile and hope that someone wants to pay me to do these things one day.
7.02.2010
new venture, brother
So, I've decided to try my hand at writing a screenplay. This is what I've got so far. Leave your comments below.
UNTITLED MOVIE
FADE IN:
What do you guys think?
UNTITLED MOVIE
FADE IN:
What do you guys think?
6.22.2010
right quick
i don't get it. just putting this out there, i don't get it, i don't understand how things work. my life up until now has been fakery, i pretend and lie. i haven't learned much of anything that would be practical or applicable to real life. it has left me unable to comprehend many things, but i wouldn't be me otherwise.
if anyone who reads this knows how things (that aren't fucking magnets) work, please get a hold of me. I like me, but I would LOVE to understand a few more things.
Shit's frustrating.
I'm talking about can openers
if anyone who reads this knows how things (that aren't fucking magnets) work, please get a hold of me. I like me, but I would LOVE to understand a few more things.
Shit's frustrating.
I'm talking about can openers
6.21.2010
hello dali
it's so hot i refuse to attempt to uppercase anything. fuck it.
ohio and ann arbor this last weekend. it was a lot of fun, even if I'm starting to feel like a stranger in my hometown. that has nothing to do with the company i enjoyed or anything tangible, really, but i suppose it comes to everyone when they move away. strange feeling.
i really did love seeing everybody, although i never get to really see everybody.
kari's wedding is coming up soon. that really will be the party of the year. kari and jake are doing everything humanly possible to ensure their guests have a blast, while entirely ignoring their love and commitment to one another (kidding, of course).
jake's bachelor party was a huge success in my eyes, and i hope he feels the same way. i didn't really know the other dudes in the wedding party, but i can safely say that they are awesome, and i believe both groom and bride wedding parties are quite the amazing assemblage of folks.
in other news, bg's mosquitoes can go fuck themselves.
time to find a new apartment, one that can accommodate one Kelly Mattimoe. we've been looking, it certainly sounds like we're going to be paying less rent than ever. today i feel like i'd live in a hole in the ground for thousands of dollars if it were somehow air conditioned.
i'm busy trying to generate enough solid material (not a poop joke) to put on a show somewhere in chicago this year. we have a cast, a director and the sketches are almost there. we propose a show to second city next month. failing that, we will rent space elsewhere. it's happening. bet on it.
more visitors to chicago this week. hang on, liver, hang on.
ohio and ann arbor this last weekend. it was a lot of fun, even if I'm starting to feel like a stranger in my hometown. that has nothing to do with the company i enjoyed or anything tangible, really, but i suppose it comes to everyone when they move away. strange feeling.
i really did love seeing everybody, although i never get to really see everybody.
kari's wedding is coming up soon. that really will be the party of the year. kari and jake are doing everything humanly possible to ensure their guests have a blast, while entirely ignoring their love and commitment to one another (kidding, of course).
jake's bachelor party was a huge success in my eyes, and i hope he feels the same way. i didn't really know the other dudes in the wedding party, but i can safely say that they are awesome, and i believe both groom and bride wedding parties are quite the amazing assemblage of folks.
in other news, bg's mosquitoes can go fuck themselves.
time to find a new apartment, one that can accommodate one Kelly Mattimoe. we've been looking, it certainly sounds like we're going to be paying less rent than ever. today i feel like i'd live in a hole in the ground for thousands of dollars if it were somehow air conditioned.
i'm busy trying to generate enough solid material (not a poop joke) to put on a show somewhere in chicago this year. we have a cast, a director and the sketches are almost there. we propose a show to second city next month. failing that, we will rent space elsewhere. it's happening. bet on it.
more visitors to chicago this week. hang on, liver, hang on.
6.09.2010
Ordinary fuckin' people
Today, June 9 in the year of our lord two thousand and ten, was surely the strangest day i can remember. It wasn't strange the whole day through, but the odd things that did happen make me feel like David Lynch is secretly directing my life. Here's how it shook out:
I wake up incredibly late. That is nothing new, but waking up from a NyQuil coma and realizing i have two hours to finish my sketch, shower and eat before i have to leave put me in a strange mood.
I finish the sketch. It's pretty good, I think. I shower and eat a banana on the way to the bus. I'm running late.
On the bus, I sit close enough to a middle-aged woman talking on her phone to hear this shit:
"I'm fucked. Absolutely fucked. I'm talking full reconstructive plastic surgery. It's happened before"
I look at the woman. She looks fine. I'm very curious about the story behind this conversation. Even more so after the following:
"They put glass in my face, glass in my side, glass in my boobs, glass in my (lowers her voice, not nearly enough) vagina..."
My brain short circuits for a moment. When I come to, I look at the woman again. She still looks fine. She gets off the bus and was not walking like a woman hindered by shards of glass in her lady parts. I consider following her around for the rest of the day, but I'm late for class.
I get off the bus at the Sheffield Red-Brown-Purple Line stop, intending on transferring to a train. I don't think I'll make it however, and opt for a taxi.
I hail a taxi and get in, stating my destination. Off we go. The cabbie takes a phone call a minute in. He asks whomever is on the other side "Who's angry? Who's angry?" Then he begins gently singing a lullaby for ten minutes. I pay the man and exit the cab.
Class. Class went really well, my sketch killed and the teacher offered no notes, he just said that it was really good. This isn't strange, I'm merely bragging.
Class continues, it's around nine p.m. and I realize I've only eaten a banana in twenty-four hours. I'm a bit lightheaded, but I plow through and perform in a classmate's sketch in which I'm a homeless guy that gets sat on (it made sense in context). Anyway, class ends.
I grab a sandwich immediately after class, eat it and then I watch student short films back at Second City. It's dark, the films are odd and I feel...off.
I take the train back to Sheffield and just miss my bus. I decide on another cab. Surely there will be no singing this time.
Wrong. My cabbie is Ray St. Ray, The Singing Cabdriver.
http://www.hounddog.tv/artists/raystray/index.htm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIkTUEqXiyg
A fucking singing cab driver. And he's kind of famous. And entirely awesome. He's insane in the best possible way. We chat for a bit at first, he's incredibly friendly, he tells some bad jokes, and then he tells me that he is in fact, The Singing Cabdriver. He asks what kind of song I'd like to hear and offers some choices: love, life, sex, etc. I choose love. He asks what kind of love: sentimental, violent, lust, etc. I choose sentimental. He begins fucking singing. He doesn't have the greatest voice, but it's not bad. The song is simple, but poignant. The melody and word choice really got me. I nearly teared up.
He finished and I applauded. He sang another song about "A James Bond Movie that doesn't exist", which was good and really had some creative rhymes. We arrive at my destination. He gives me a flyer for a show he's doing (of course) and I thank him very much. I tip way lower than I should have, considering the entertainment. I hope to get in his cab again.
Now I'm home and I don't know what to do with myself. How do you go on from here?
I wake up incredibly late. That is nothing new, but waking up from a NyQuil coma and realizing i have two hours to finish my sketch, shower and eat before i have to leave put me in a strange mood.
I finish the sketch. It's pretty good, I think. I shower and eat a banana on the way to the bus. I'm running late.
On the bus, I sit close enough to a middle-aged woman talking on her phone to hear this shit:
"I'm fucked. Absolutely fucked. I'm talking full reconstructive plastic surgery. It's happened before"
I look at the woman. She looks fine. I'm very curious about the story behind this conversation. Even more so after the following:
"They put glass in my face, glass in my side, glass in my boobs, glass in my (lowers her voice, not nearly enough) vagina..."
My brain short circuits for a moment. When I come to, I look at the woman again. She still looks fine. She gets off the bus and was not walking like a woman hindered by shards of glass in her lady parts. I consider following her around for the rest of the day, but I'm late for class.
I get off the bus at the Sheffield Red-Brown-Purple Line stop, intending on transferring to a train. I don't think I'll make it however, and opt for a taxi.
I hail a taxi and get in, stating my destination. Off we go. The cabbie takes a phone call a minute in. He asks whomever is on the other side "Who's angry? Who's angry?" Then he begins gently singing a lullaby for ten minutes. I pay the man and exit the cab.
Class. Class went really well, my sketch killed and the teacher offered no notes, he just said that it was really good. This isn't strange, I'm merely bragging.
Class continues, it's around nine p.m. and I realize I've only eaten a banana in twenty-four hours. I'm a bit lightheaded, but I plow through and perform in a classmate's sketch in which I'm a homeless guy that gets sat on (it made sense in context). Anyway, class ends.
I grab a sandwich immediately after class, eat it and then I watch student short films back at Second City. It's dark, the films are odd and I feel...off.
I take the train back to Sheffield and just miss my bus. I decide on another cab. Surely there will be no singing this time.
Wrong. My cabbie is Ray St. Ray, The Singing Cabdriver.
http://www.hounddog.tv/artists/raystray/index.htm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIkTUEqXiyg
A fucking singing cab driver. And he's kind of famous. And entirely awesome. He's insane in the best possible way. We chat for a bit at first, he's incredibly friendly, he tells some bad jokes, and then he tells me that he is in fact, The Singing Cabdriver. He asks what kind of song I'd like to hear and offers some choices: love, life, sex, etc. I choose love. He asks what kind of love: sentimental, violent, lust, etc. I choose sentimental. He begins fucking singing. He doesn't have the greatest voice, but it's not bad. The song is simple, but poignant. The melody and word choice really got me. I nearly teared up.
He finished and I applauded. He sang another song about "A James Bond Movie that doesn't exist", which was good and really had some creative rhymes. We arrive at my destination. He gives me a flyer for a show he's doing (of course) and I thank him very much. I tip way lower than I should have, considering the entertainment. I hope to get in his cab again.
Now I'm home and I don't know what to do with myself. How do you go on from here?
6.02.2010
inclined to blurgh
Things are going well. My sketches are getting better, and the plan to put on a show this year is starting to feel real. we may have a director. we may have a starting space. we may have to put on a giant fundraiser at some point. i expect y'all to empty your pockets.
the weather has been awesome lately. i wish it could be 68 degrees every day of the year.
weather is a boring topic. let's move on.
trying to get work online writing for Cracked. They don't require a fancy degree, anyone can do it. it pays shit no doubt, but whatever.
Have had a lot of people in town the last couple of months. I love it. Keep it coming.
Currently trying to justify spending twenty-five american dollars on the Point Break Live show. Holy shit it sounds like fun.
the weather has been awesome lately. i wish it could be 68 degrees every day of the year.
weather is a boring topic. let's move on.
trying to get work online writing for Cracked. They don't require a fancy degree, anyone can do it. it pays shit no doubt, but whatever.
Have had a lot of people in town the last couple of months. I love it. Keep it coming.
Currently trying to justify spending twenty-five american dollars on the Point Break Live show. Holy shit it sounds like fun.
5.18.2010
here's a little something.
Hello, folks.
It's been a little while since I've blogged. My last one really took it out of me. And wore your patience I'm sure, if you bothered reading it all. I doubt I would have.
Anyhoo, since this blog is primarily about comedy stuff, I thought I'd share a sketch I just wrote. I don't know why this hasn't occurred to me to this before. I guess it's because I've written a lot but not a lot of is good. I don't know if the following piece is either, but I like it. Hope you do too.
I will add the caveat that this is a first draft.
Suicide Hotline
(An office with a phone bank.)
CHRIS
Okay Roxie, this here will be your station. Here's your desk, phone, and here's a little list of helpful phrases to tell the caller in case you get stuck. Remember, these are troubled people. Treat them with care and respect.
ROXIE
Oh, I will, sir. I'm so happy to be here, this is such important work.
CHRIS
Thank YOU, Roxie. Never have we had an new volunteer coming in with this much experience. Four thousand hours on the phone in customer service? That's outstanding.
ROXIE
Everyone at my job says I'm the best with service!
CHRIS
Super. Just super. Well, I'll let you get started here. You're going to be very busy today, the holidays are our rush period. Lots of depressed people this time of year, and it's your job to cheer them up and make sure they don't make a rash decision.
ROXIE
(saluting)
I promise to do my best, sir!
CHRIS
Ok then! I like your moxie, Roxie! Ha ha!
ROXIE
Ha ha ha!
(Roxie's phone rings)
CHRIS
Whoops! I'll leave you to it, and I'll be by to check on you later. Remember, just do what comes naturally, and be supportive.
ROXIE
I sure will, I'm excited to help people.
(CHRIS exits, ROXIE picks up phone, begins speaking very seductively)
Oooh, you've reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. My name's Roxie. What's your name, baby?...Robert? Mmmm, Robert. How can I DO it for you today?
(CHRIS is speaking to colleague, JOE, out of earshot)
JOE
(Smiling broadly)
Think that new girl I sent your way will work out, Chris?
CHRIS
I do. She has tons of experience, and she sure seems like an eager beaver.
JOE
You have no idea.
ROXIE
(on phone)
Yesss...I'm so glad to hear you say that. There's so much to live for, baby. So much. So much. So, so...oh oh OHHHHH...ok. Ok. Thank YOU, hon. Tell your friends.
CHRIS
Wow, it sounds like she's really empathizing with the caller!
JOE
INDEED.
ROXIE
(on phone)
...I'm sorry you're so upset, mama will make it all better. Tell me about your problems...mmm...yeah...yeah...ooh! You've got a rope and you know what to do with it, huh? I like that, daddy...what? No, I LIKE hung guys...
CHRIS
She's smiling and giggling, she must really be connecting with the callers!
JOE
It's what she knows best.
CHRIS
How wonderful. Thank you for the recommendation, Joe!
JOE
My pleasure. Hers, too.
ROXIE
(on phone)
Okay sweetie, hope you're relaxed and feeling better now...thank you. Be sure to tell your friends!
(CHRIS walks over to ROXIE)
CHRIS
How's it going there, Roxie? Having some success?
ROXIE
You bet, sir! I just helped two callers, and they both sounded very relaxed and happy before they hung up.
CHRIS
Attagirl! I knew you'd be good at this.
ROXIE
I think we might even get some new callers out of this!
CHRIS
Uh...that's great...well done.
(CHRIS walks over to JOE)
That was a little weird. She just mentioned something about getting new people to call in. She's a bit kooky, eh?
JOE
I think she gets caught up in her passion for the work, Chris.
CHRIS
She certainly seems to...
ROXIE
(on phone)
That's it, that's it! You want to live!
(Getting louder and wilder)
YES! YES! THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL! Ok, baby. Thank YOU. Tell your friends.
CHRIS
My lord, the commitment from that woman.
(Looking around the office)
You could all learn a lot from this girl!
JOE
She is wonderfully talented.
Chris
She's really talking these people off the ledge!
JOE
She definitely is talking people off, yes.
ROXIE
(on phone)
Hi lover, what's your name? Lisa? Let me just transfer you to Gunner, he'll take real good care of you...ok, sweetheart.
(CHRIS and JOE walk up to ROXIE)
CHRIS
Roxie, you are amazing. I'm so glad you came in today.
ROXIE
Oh, I love it, sir! Making sad people happy again. I feel like I'm doing God's work.
JOE
Yeah, I bet lots of these callers are seeing God today.
CHRIS
Roxie, I'm so impressed with you. I want to listen in on the next call you take. Maybe I can learn a thing or two!
ROXIE
Okay!
JOE
Oh boy. Maybe that's not a great idea, Chris, I mean, I don't know if the caller would appreciate it.
CHRIS
I'll be as quiet as a church mouse. They won't know I'm there. I'm merely an observer.
(ROXIE's phone rings, CHRIS puts on a headset)
Go ahead, Roxie.
ROXIE
Hello, you've reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline, and I'm your hot bitch Roxie. Do you need a spanking?
CHRIS
Holy shit.
(CHRIS disconnects the call)
ROXIE
You hung up on them! They needed help!
CHRIS
They didn't need your potty mouth! What are you thinking?
ROXIE
I thought I was helping!
CHRIS
Well, that's not the kind of help we give out here. I;m gonna have to ask you to leave. Joe, I'll deal with you later. Roxie, you gotta go.
ROXIE
(crying)
It's not fair! I was helping people!
(ROXIE runs out of the office, Joe leaves after her)
CHRIS
Good lord. That was almost a disaster.
(Phone rings)
Hello, Suicide Prevention Hotline, this is Chris. How can I help?...No, sorry, uh...Roxie isn't here. Maybe I can...hello? Hello?
(crazed, desperate)
HELLO?!?
(Blackout.)
It's been a little while since I've blogged. My last one really took it out of me. And wore your patience I'm sure, if you bothered reading it all. I doubt I would have.
Anyhoo, since this blog is primarily about comedy stuff, I thought I'd share a sketch I just wrote. I don't know why this hasn't occurred to me to this before. I guess it's because I've written a lot but not a lot of is good. I don't know if the following piece is either, but I like it. Hope you do too.
I will add the caveat that this is a first draft.
Suicide Hotline
(An office with a phone bank.)
CHRIS
Okay Roxie, this here will be your station. Here's your desk, phone, and here's a little list of helpful phrases to tell the caller in case you get stuck. Remember, these are troubled people. Treat them with care and respect.
ROXIE
Oh, I will, sir. I'm so happy to be here, this is such important work.
CHRIS
Thank YOU, Roxie. Never have we had an new volunteer coming in with this much experience. Four thousand hours on the phone in customer service? That's outstanding.
ROXIE
Everyone at my job says I'm the best with service!
CHRIS
Super. Just super. Well, I'll let you get started here. You're going to be very busy today, the holidays are our rush period. Lots of depressed people this time of year, and it's your job to cheer them up and make sure they don't make a rash decision.
ROXIE
(saluting)
I promise to do my best, sir!
CHRIS
Ok then! I like your moxie, Roxie! Ha ha!
ROXIE
Ha ha ha!
(Roxie's phone rings)
CHRIS
Whoops! I'll leave you to it, and I'll be by to check on you later. Remember, just do what comes naturally, and be supportive.
ROXIE
I sure will, I'm excited to help people.
(CHRIS exits, ROXIE picks up phone, begins speaking very seductively)
Oooh, you've reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. My name's Roxie. What's your name, baby?...Robert? Mmmm, Robert. How can I DO it for you today?
(CHRIS is speaking to colleague, JOE, out of earshot)
JOE
(Smiling broadly)
Think that new girl I sent your way will work out, Chris?
CHRIS
I do. She has tons of experience, and she sure seems like an eager beaver.
JOE
You have no idea.
ROXIE
(on phone)
Yesss...I'm so glad to hear you say that. There's so much to live for, baby. So much. So much. So, so...oh oh OHHHHH...ok. Ok. Thank YOU, hon. Tell your friends.
CHRIS
Wow, it sounds like she's really empathizing with the caller!
JOE
INDEED.
ROXIE
(on phone)
...I'm sorry you're so upset, mama will make it all better. Tell me about your problems...mmm...yeah...yeah...ooh! You've got a rope and you know what to do with it, huh? I like that, daddy...what? No, I LIKE hung guys...
CHRIS
She's smiling and giggling, she must really be connecting with the callers!
JOE
It's what she knows best.
CHRIS
How wonderful. Thank you for the recommendation, Joe!
JOE
My pleasure. Hers, too.
ROXIE
(on phone)
Okay sweetie, hope you're relaxed and feeling better now...thank you. Be sure to tell your friends!
(CHRIS walks over to ROXIE)
CHRIS
How's it going there, Roxie? Having some success?
ROXIE
You bet, sir! I just helped two callers, and they both sounded very relaxed and happy before they hung up.
CHRIS
Attagirl! I knew you'd be good at this.
ROXIE
I think we might even get some new callers out of this!
CHRIS
Uh...that's great...well done.
(CHRIS walks over to JOE)
That was a little weird. She just mentioned something about getting new people to call in. She's a bit kooky, eh?
JOE
I think she gets caught up in her passion for the work, Chris.
CHRIS
She certainly seems to...
ROXIE
(on phone)
That's it, that's it! You want to live!
(Getting louder and wilder)
YES! YES! THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL! Ok, baby. Thank YOU. Tell your friends.
CHRIS
My lord, the commitment from that woman.
(Looking around the office)
You could all learn a lot from this girl!
JOE
She is wonderfully talented.
Chris
She's really talking these people off the ledge!
JOE
She definitely is talking people off, yes.
ROXIE
(on phone)
Hi lover, what's your name? Lisa? Let me just transfer you to Gunner, he'll take real good care of you...ok, sweetheart.
(CHRIS and JOE walk up to ROXIE)
CHRIS
Roxie, you are amazing. I'm so glad you came in today.
ROXIE
Oh, I love it, sir! Making sad people happy again. I feel like I'm doing God's work.
JOE
Yeah, I bet lots of these callers are seeing God today.
CHRIS
Roxie, I'm so impressed with you. I want to listen in on the next call you take. Maybe I can learn a thing or two!
ROXIE
Okay!
JOE
Oh boy. Maybe that's not a great idea, Chris, I mean, I don't know if the caller would appreciate it.
CHRIS
I'll be as quiet as a church mouse. They won't know I'm there. I'm merely an observer.
(ROXIE's phone rings, CHRIS puts on a headset)
Go ahead, Roxie.
ROXIE
Hello, you've reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline, and I'm your hot bitch Roxie. Do you need a spanking?
CHRIS
Holy shit.
(CHRIS disconnects the call)
ROXIE
You hung up on them! They needed help!
CHRIS
They didn't need your potty mouth! What are you thinking?
ROXIE
I thought I was helping!
CHRIS
Well, that's not the kind of help we give out here. I;m gonna have to ask you to leave. Joe, I'll deal with you later. Roxie, you gotta go.
ROXIE
(crying)
It's not fair! I was helping people!
(ROXIE runs out of the office, Joe leaves after her)
CHRIS
Good lord. That was almost a disaster.
(Phone rings)
Hello, Suicide Prevention Hotline, this is Chris. How can I help?...No, sorry, uh...Roxie isn't here. Maybe I can...hello? Hello?
(crazed, desperate)
HELLO?!?
(Blackout.)
4.25.2010
Live Blogging Saturday Night Live...i don't know why
I thought it might be interesting to live blog SNL. I'm kinda bored. Let's give it a shot. I may lose interest halfway through.
The host is Gabourey Sidibe, based on the novel Push by Sapphire. Musical guest MGMT.
I missed the cold opening, and the monologue. I can't seem to get the hang of this Central Time Zone. I'm too used to 11:30 being the start time of this show, having watched it at that time for twenty years.
Ok, first sketch: Suze Orman show parody starring Kristin Wiig and the host. It's crammed full of jokes about how horrible and possibly gay Orman is. Wiig is better than this sketch. It's getting laughs, and Sidibe's Jamaican author character is a good foil for the insane Orman, but I have no interest.
Next up, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire with Kenan Thompson playing Steve Harvey as the host. This timely parody is pretty one-note, the joke being that Harvey can't pronounce any of the answers. "My makeup lady is half Paprikas(meaning Puerto Rican, I guess)" and attempts to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull. As you might imagine it's HILARIOUS!
Oh look, Betty White hosts in a couple weeks. Musical guest Jay-Z! HOVA! This news only serves to remind me how much I'd rather be watching that episode. Fuck.
Next sketch, two New York youths played by Fred Armisen and Thompson, chatting idly (and loudly) on a stoop about New York events, and continually interrupted by Sidibe playing an old lady who has a lot of advice to give, and also she wants them to shut up. The one laugh from me came when Sidibe's character was asked how she is so knowledgeable, and she replied "My daddy used to sell Wikipedias". Sidibe garbled a few of her words and it kind of took me out of the sketch...which I was happy about. This shit's hard.
Digital Short, "Cherry Battle". The sheer weirdness of this sketch is really doing it for me. Andy Samberg and Sidibe dressed as samurai, perhaps Ronin, spit numerous cherries in slow motion at each other, and catch them in their mouths. Samberg gets the win after spitting a cherry with a little face on it, mouthing the "Thus Sprach Zarathrusta"-type music. Watch this sketch online.
Weird sketch about two girls with funny voices selling custom alarm clocks featuring their said weird voices as the alarm. It was okay, at least it's an original premise.
This is so fucking long, I'm sorry.
The host is Gabourey Sidibe, based on the novel Push by Sapphire. Musical guest MGMT.
I missed the cold opening, and the monologue. I can't seem to get the hang of this Central Time Zone. I'm too used to 11:30 being the start time of this show, having watched it at that time for twenty years.
Ok, first sketch: Suze Orman show parody starring Kristin Wiig and the host. It's crammed full of jokes about how horrible and possibly gay Orman is. Wiig is better than this sketch. It's getting laughs, and Sidibe's Jamaican author character is a good foil for the insane Orman, but I have no interest.
Next up, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire with Kenan Thompson playing Steve Harvey as the host. This timely parody is pretty one-note, the joke being that Harvey can't pronounce any of the answers. "My makeup lady is half Paprikas(meaning Puerto Rican, I guess)" and attempts to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull. As you might imagine it's HILARIOUS!
Oh look, Betty White hosts in a couple weeks. Musical guest Jay-Z! HOVA! This news only serves to remind me how much I'd rather be watching that episode. Fuck.
Next sketch, two New York youths played by Fred Armisen and Thompson, chatting idly (and loudly) on a stoop about New York events, and continually interrupted by Sidibe playing an old lady who has a lot of advice to give, and also she wants them to shut up. The one laugh from me came when Sidibe's character was asked how she is so knowledgeable, and she replied "My daddy used to sell Wikipedias". Sidibe garbled a few of her words and it kind of took me out of the sketch...which I was happy about. This shit's hard.
Digital Short, "Cherry Battle". The sheer weirdness of this sketch is really doing it for me. Andy Samberg and Sidibe dressed as samurai, perhaps Ronin, spit numerous cherries in slow motion at each other, and catch them in their mouths. Samberg gets the win after spitting a cherry with a little face on it, mouthing the "Thus Sprach Zarathrusta"-type music. Watch this sketch online.
Danish Frank Sinatra sketch also weird, which helps, but too long. and one-note. Yes, the Danes have interesting interpretations of the English language and their accent is inherently goofy. But, it's not a good sign if you're ripping off gags from Family Guy.
My lord, all of the women on SNL are smokin' hot. Really, really hot.
MGMT first performance. I haven't heard any of of their new stuff yet. Apparently they've finished the transition to psychedelia. I can't really judge this song on one listen, but I dunno. Kind of stupid. Also, the rhythm guitarist looks like he pooped a little on accident. It's super hard to judge a band that plays on SNL, they have serious sound issues usually. I don't know why they can't get it right, given that it's been sucky for so long.
Weekend Update. Usually good fer a couple chuckles at least. Highlights:
"Every time 'show me your papers' is said, Hitler's family gets money"-reference to Arizona's new immigration bullshit.
Wiig's "prominent travel writer" character, supposedly on Update to talk about the Icelandic volcano, isn't very funny, but she has a fucking mouthful of words to say and she pulled it off flawlessly. Impressive, but not exactly comedy gold.
Good joke about Octomom's vagina emitting carnival midway music.
Ah, here's some Bill Hader. Love Bill Hader. This strange, gay "Streets Correspondent" character, ostensibly giving tourist advice but really just talking about "the hottest club in New York" over and over would have sucked in less capable hands, but Hader's mannerisms sell it. Also, he fought off a case of the giggles admirably, and I'm kind of a sucker for when cast members break character and giggle a bit. Sometimes that's really fucking annoying, like when Jimmy Fallon was on the show and couldn't get through a sketch without grinning like an ass, but this worked for me.
"Tranny Oakley" I love puns.
End of Update.
Iron Man 2 preview. Holy schnikeys, May 7 can't come soon enough.
This is boring, i'm going to take a break and live blog my next cigarette.
11:30: Smoked a cigarette. Tasted great. Felt guilty after.
Oh no, I missed the beginning of the next sketch. Some sort of Public Employee awards show. "Like many New York custodians, he is a year-round resident of Florida" This sketch sucks ass. I get it, New York Public Employees are corrupt and lazy. Jason Sudeikis' character won while on his extended break. The shot of him being informed of the win was pretty great.
Weird sketch about two girls with funny voices selling custom alarm clocks featuring their said weird voices as the alarm. It was okay, at least it's an original premise.
MGMT again. this song, um..."Brian Eno" is the chorus. What? This is strange. It's kind of unlistenable. I'll give it this: from what I've heard tonight, I think that this album would be great for freshmen in college who just discovered pot and want to listen to some hip new sounds, man. Like their first album but less accessible. Less accessibility means more street cred, yo.
Almost done. Five minutes to go. Even if I hadn't blogged about this while watching, it still would have been work to get through it. I know I'm not saying anything new when I say SNL is weak shit this year, but goddamn.
Last sketch. Best of the night, in that it got one big laugh from me. The premise is that Sidibe is giving a talk about Precious. Her ex-boyfriend, played by Will Forte, shows up and wants her back. He's a little racist, but he's trying to change. He laments their breakup, asking Gabourey if she remembers when he'd spend the evening "Tracing Robert Ludlum passages into your back with my penis" Holy shit, that's a great line. Funniest moment all night. She's hesitant to take him back, but he tells her he saw Precious and although "the black audience was talking to the screen" he enjoyed what he did manage to see and hear. He completes getting her back by serenading her, telling her "Life is a Gabourey". Loved this sketch.
SNL always puts the weird stuff at the end. Sometimes the weird stuff works, sometimes not. It's always refreshing to see something off-the-wall on the show, however. I don't believe in irreverence for the sake of irreverence, in fact few things are as annoying, but in its thirty-fifth year SNL should take any shot in the arm in can get. I believe the Suze Orman sketch at the top of the show was the only recurring sketch, which is something. SNL is known for sticking with tried-and-true tropes, and beating them into the public's brain with a claw hammer. Sometimes to great effect (Wayne's World, Celebrity Jeopardy) and sometimes not (all recurring sketches from the last five years.)
I realize now that this isn't really live-blogging, in that my comments aren't presented "live". Fine.
Why does this show suck now? They have a great cast, I can't come up with someone I really think is talentless. A great number of them I think could be comedy legends, and they regularly make me chortle hard in other venues. The blame must fall to the writing, but even that's hard to judge. With the way comedy has evolved since SNL was the gold standard (yes, it's been up and down throughout its run), and SNL's tortoise-like adaption to anything new, the blame must be cast on the producers. SNL does well when there is ripe political strife to comment on, or when they present a completely original sketch. It just seems like nowadays SNL is just looking for that next Digital Short meme, or trying to skew younger and younger with their hosts. There is no fucking way Taylors Swift and/or Lautner would have been hosts fifteen years ago. You kind of had to prove yourself a bit. At least a little.
It's still a remarkable achievement putting a live show on every week with six days to prepare. (Five maybe, as I believe they take Sunday off.) And it's really easy for me to judge it harshly. I know that I couldn't do any better with my skills as they are. Comedy is exceedingly difficult. The simple fact that SNL and NBC have nigh-limitless resources to cull the best and the brightest writers, people with their finger on the pulse...so why sketches that hammer one unfunny bit over and over? Don't beat us over the head with this shit, especially when there are so many other opportunities to find sublime comedy these days.
Imagine if "Drunk History", or a few other internet-based sketches had been co-opted by SNL instead of Funny Or Die. Critics would be creaming themselves talking about how SNL is back, blah blah blah. At the very least, SNL could produce some original content in the same vein, filming some stuff with the kind of A-List celebrity that FOD manages on a weekly basis. Maybe it'd be cheap. Maybe it wouldn't, but at least SNL could pretend it understands how comedy works now.
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