here's a little something.

Hello, folks. 

It's been a little while since I've blogged. My last one really took it out of me. And wore your patience I'm sure, if you bothered reading it all. I doubt I would have.

Anyhoo, since this blog is primarily about comedy stuff, I thought I'd share a sketch I just wrote. I don't know why this hasn't occurred to me to this before. I guess it's because I've written a lot but not a lot of is good. I don't know if the following piece is either, but I like it. Hope you do too. 


I will add the caveat that this is a first draft.



 
Suicide Hotline


(An office with a phone bank.)

CHRIS

Okay Roxie, this here will be your station. Here's your desk, phone, and here's a little list of helpful phrases to tell the caller in case you get stuck. Remember, these are troubled people. Treat them with care and respect.

ROXIE

Oh, I will, sir. I'm so happy to be here, this is such important work.

CHRIS

Thank YOU, Roxie. Never have we had an new volunteer coming in with this much experience. Four thousand hours on the phone in customer service? That's outstanding.

ROXIE

Everyone at my job says I'm the best with service!

CHRIS

Super. Just super. Well, I'll let you get started here. You're going to be very busy today, the holidays are our rush period. Lots of depressed people this time of year, and it's your job to cheer them up and make sure they don't make a rash decision.

ROXIE

(saluting)

I promise to do my best, sir!

CHRIS

Ok then! I like your moxie, Roxie! Ha ha!

ROXIE

Ha ha ha!

(Roxie's phone rings)

CHRIS

Whoops! I'll leave you to it, and I'll be by to check on you later. Remember, just do what comes naturally, and be supportive.

ROXIE

I sure will, I'm excited to help people.


(CHRIS exits, ROXIE picks up phone, begins speaking very seductively)


Oooh, you've reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. My name's Roxie. What's your name, baby?...Robert? Mmmm, Robert. How can I DO it for you today?


(CHRIS is speaking to colleague, JOE, out of earshot)


JOE

(Smiling broadly)

Think that new girl I sent your way will work out, Chris?

CHRIS

I do. She has tons of experience, and she sure seems like an eager beaver.

JOE

You have no idea.

ROXIE

(on phone)

Yesss...I'm so glad to hear you say that. There's so much to live for, baby. So much. So much. So, so...oh oh OHHHHH...ok. Ok. Thank YOU, hon. Tell your friends.

CHRIS

Wow, it sounds like she's really empathizing with the caller!

JOE

INDEED.

ROXIE

(on phone)

...I'm sorry you're so upset, mama will make it all better. Tell me about your problems...mmm...yeah...yeah...ooh! You've got a rope and you know what to do with it, huh? I like that, daddy...what? No, I LIKE hung guys...

CHRIS

She's smiling and giggling, she must really be connecting with the callers!

JOE

It's what she knows best.

CHRIS

How wonderful. Thank you for the recommendation, Joe!

JOE

My pleasure. Hers, too.

ROXIE

(on phone)

Okay sweetie, hope you're relaxed and feeling better now...thank you. Be sure to tell your friends!

(CHRIS walks over to ROXIE)

CHRIS

How's it going there, Roxie? Having some success?

ROXIE

You bet, sir! I just helped two callers, and they both sounded very relaxed and happy before they hung up.

CHRIS

Attagirl! I knew you'd be good at this.

ROXIE

I think we might even get some new callers out of this!

CHRIS

Uh...that's great...well done.

(CHRIS walks over to JOE)

That was a little weird. She just mentioned something about getting new people to call in. She's a bit kooky, eh?

JOE

I think she gets caught up in her passion for the work, Chris.

CHRIS

She certainly seems to...

ROXIE

(on phone)

That's it, that's it! You want to live!

(Getting louder and wilder)

YES! YES! THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL! Ok, baby. Thank YOU. Tell your friends.

CHRIS

My lord, the commitment from that woman.

(Looking around the office)

You could all learn a lot from this girl!

JOE

She is wonderfully talented.

Chris

She's really talking these people off the ledge!

JOE

She definitely is talking people off, yes.

ROXIE

(on phone)

Hi lover, what's your name? Lisa? Let me just transfer you to Gunner, he'll take real good care of you...ok, sweetheart.

(CHRIS and JOE walk up to ROXIE)

CHRIS

Roxie, you are amazing. I'm so glad you came in today.

ROXIE

Oh, I love it, sir! Making sad people happy again. I feel like I'm doing God's work.

JOE

Yeah, I bet lots of these callers are seeing God today.

CHRIS

Roxie, I'm so impressed with you. I want to listen in on the next call you take. Maybe I can learn a thing or two!

ROXIE

Okay!

JOE

Oh boy. Maybe that's not a great idea, Chris, I mean,  I don't know if the caller would appreciate it.

CHRIS

I'll be as quiet as a church mouse. They won't know I'm there. I'm merely an observer.

(ROXIE's phone rings, CHRIS puts on a headset)

Go ahead, Roxie.

ROXIE

Hello, you've reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline, and I'm your hot bitch Roxie. Do you need a spanking?


CHRIS

Holy shit.

(CHRIS disconnects the call)

ROXIE

You hung up on them! They needed help!

CHRIS

They didn't need your potty mouth! What are you thinking?

ROXIE

I thought I was helping!

CHRIS

Well, that's not the kind of help we give out here. I;m gonna have to ask you to leave. Joe, I'll deal with you later. Roxie, you gotta go.

ROXIE

(crying)

It's not fair! I was helping people!

(ROXIE runs out of the office, Joe leaves after her)

CHRIS

Good lord. That was almost a disaster.

(Phone rings)

Hello, Suicide Prevention Hotline, this is Chris. How can I help?...No,  sorry, uh...Roxie isn't here. Maybe I can...hello? Hello?   

(crazed, desperate)

HELLO?!?

(Blackout.)