Oh, it's on bitch

 En garde!  Ha! Hoo! Hi-yah! Parry! Thrust! Suck my epee-pee!




In a battle of wits I don't know if I can hold my own against Mr. Just Like A Jackass. In a blog duel, mayhap. I don't really know how to blog-duel, so...


Stab! Counter! Stab stab! cut cut cut cut cut cut cut


In other non-dueling news (boooo)

Conan O'Brien might leave The Tonight Show after seven months on the air. NBC has burned their meager village down. They have a strong Thursday night lineup, and the unstoppable spinoff juggernaut of Law and Order, and...nothing else. When they're not fucking with the lineup of tested-and-true late night comedians, they're churning out another bullshit season of Heroes, and...other stuff too...I can't even think of one other primetime NBC program off the top of my head. Dr. Kildare? Is that still a show?


Conan will walk if his show is pushed back to 12:05, he believes The Tonight Show should air...Tonight, instead This Morning. In his artfully worded public letter (the man is a Harvard grad and all stand-up dude) released just yesterday, he tells us he doesn't want to be party to the destruction of The Tonight Show. Actually, here's the whole letter, because it's just so awesome:


People of Earth:
In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over the Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of the Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.

Jay Leno has been vilified in the last couple of days, and while criticisms about how he's a sucky, hackneyed comedian hurled his way are certainly warranted, I'm just not sure he's the bad guy here. He announced he was retiring in five years back in 2004. My suspicions were that the retirement was highly suggested by NBC. Mostly because he was back on the air with a new show like four days after he left The Tonight Show. That ain't retirement. His talk show at ten every night didn't work out. It got atrocious ratings, and affiliates nationwide cried out for its termination. NBC, still having a contract with Leno, remembers that no matter how many stale Judge Ito jokes Leno did, or how Leno substitutes expensive cars for love, he was number one in the late night battle for years, at 11:35. So they conspire to put him back in that slot and regain their number one-itude. Now, Jay Leno would (and may) still look like an asshole if he accepted that offer, willingly driving Conan out, pushing Jimmy Fallon back to starting his program at 1:05, and ending Carson Daly's late night career on NBC (yes, he's the worst, but it's still a raw deal). But the most recent news out right now is that Leno may walk. Blameless or not, Leno must do this. I think he will. I don't think Jay Leno wants to look like that big of a prick. It is my guess, and most fervent hope, that Conan saved his The Tonight Show with that letter. I'll call it right now. If so, that was a fucking brilliant maneuver on CoCo's part.


Yes, the quality of late night network programming isn't all that great these days, Letterman is good because he's David Fucking Letterman, respect. But his heyday is over. Leno, it goes without saying, but it's so much fun: His comedy is like the worst shit you've ever taken. Conan is still fun to watch, but his new timeslot doesn't allow for the exact same brand of irreverence I've grown to love, and some new bits just don't do it for me. But whatever, he's still the most consistent. Anyway, Jimmy Kimmel is ok,  Fallon may eventually be good at his job (I doubt it), And Craig Ferguson certainly has the most unconventional late night talk show (unconventionality is what this form needs badly) but it's still missing something to make his show truly great. And that's what is missing from all these shows: greatness. None of them, in my eyes, are great. Letterman used to be, was for a long time, and still has occasional great. Conan has basically the same story. I really hope he gets more time captaining The Tonight Show. He's late-night's best shot at greatness right now. That's what I wish people were more focused on, the quality of these fucking shows. People used to stand around the water cooler at work in the morning and say "Didja see ________(Carson, Letterman, Conan) last night?" Now it's all drama, politics, and "Leno is bullshit for fucking Conan over" and "David Letterman sure fucks a lot of women who work for him" and so on. 


Killing blow! HI yah!